Happy Father’s Day

On some days, you remember why haven’t quit that habit. On those days, it makes perfect sense because you are already dead – have been for a while. And on these days, quitting doesn’t make sense because it won’t be what kills you. There’s only so many times a person can die, and you already crossed that threshold.

The irony being that the habit is what makes you feel alive. What gives you reason to wake up every morning. The thing that motivates you, because you need money to support the habit.

It’s Father’s Day.

There was a family event to celebrate the awesomeness that is fathers, but she couldn’t face it. Not again, she simply didn’t have the heart to smile with the pain she was carrying. A phone call later with her apologies that she wouldn’t make it because she had to work, she was drowning herself in her favorite poison.

For her, this was just a reminder of everything she would never know. Sara never knew her father, he had died a few months before she was born. She was lucky (at least that’s what people said), she had father figures that treated her like a daughter. It wasn’t the same though, and that’s only something someone in her position would understand.

It’s not about being ungrateful – it’s simply is. It’s like getting mangoes when you asked for grapes, they are both fruits but they are not the same.

Every text, tweet, article about Father’s day brought tears closer to her eyes, but she had learnt long ago that crying didn’t fix anything. Crying was not an option.

She rehearsed the conversation, as she did every time she thought about her father. She had questions and days like this, she wanted answers the most.

How could he simply go? Did he even have a heart? What did he think would happen to her in his absence? Assuming he thought about her. How could he abandon her? Normally she could handle the pain, but today nothing could numb it. She needed answers, and she was tired of waiting.

She had decided, this would be the last Father’s day she would be a part of. She had tried the waiting option, and that wasn’t getting her anywhere. At the end of the bottle, she would end it. She would get her answers, and she was willing to die trying.

The saddest bit is that she knew it would still be a ‘Happy Father’s Day’ for her family for years to come, but that made her feel better about her decision – and Lord knows she needed better.

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